On this day 3years ago I had the most excruciating labour ward experience compared to all the times I’ve gone to deliver I was in so much pain I did not know what to do🤥.

I had only known I was carrying him 1 and a half months prior I was in a state of confusion everyday was a random emotion. All my pregnancies were not planned and the economic situation paired with my lack of employment or even a side hustle made this pregnancy so hard to bear. Besides going through so much already I had been going on my period on a regular and I had not stopped taking my birth 😥 it was by chance I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd born.

It’s my first time putting my feelings down and the first time opening up about this experience. So I hope you will understand if I make mistakes it has taken me so much time to write a paragraph without starting over again.

On the fateful day I was in the kitchen helping out with the dishes when I felt blood flow down my leg I immediately went to get a pad and dialed for an ambulance to come take me to the nearest hospital. The ambulance arrived and I logged myself in, my aunt whom I was staying with at that time had to stay behind with the older two so I practically took this journey all by myself…

I booked myself in to the first choice I had so that if anything went wrong I would be in good hands but the hospital required I pay full amount before admission and it was a lot so I settled for the government hospital that was near where I stayed,by this time contractions had started but they were minor. And I had to be transferred to the hospital by ambulance again… It was a long night

I booked myself in at the government hospital and it was around midnight so it was not as busy or hectic because that would have made my night even more unbearable. I was in a room with 9 to 10 other women but I didn’t care because I was in pain I asked them to get me a gynaecologist who came just after I was fully dilated because I was just 27weeks along he had to turn the baby. I had no anaesthetic or any pain meds I went through the whole experience fully aware of every crook or nook he performed I remember the baby flying out and falling to the floor and lying there for a good minute before the nurses came to pick him up I had to beg them to give him a chance to live they had ruled out the possibility of him living even before i gave birth.

The pediatrician who came stressed about the possibilities he had but I was hopeful I mean I carried the baby I gave birth to him the hardest thing I had ever done and to just give up would have been very stupid of me. So I held on I visited him I talked to my baby boy I prayed to God I hoped I did that for 12hours and when they told me he didn’t make it I accepted it because I didn’t have any choice.

M. came to me and left me holding on to the memories only the two of us shared how I had bonded with him because I had hope and how he meant so much to me because he was mine…but fate had other plans

I am only able to share just a bit because of my emotional state I hope one day I can pen down a letter to my boy in heaven because I have so much to tell him but for today I say happy 3rd birthday my boy mommy loves you and I cherish you

To all mothers who have miscarried or have lost a baby or even your child my heart pours out to you…stay strong and carry the memory of that baby…its only you who can celebrate your baby with love 🖤🖤🖤